L003 How to get along with a dorm roommate

Pleasant experience or nightmare

Sharing a room with someone should be a pleasant experience; whether it’s just having someone to talk to; or it’s an occasion to exchange experience and ideas with someone who possesses different skills, has a different perspective in life or grew up in a different family setting or culture; or even the beginning of a friendship that will last a lifetime.

But, if not properly handled, it could be a stressful, traumatic experience that may affect one’s concentration, study or mental well being.  

Most people, especially young people who have not been exposed to frequent social contacts or to foreign cultures, do not realize the impact of their demeanor, body language, voice, habits, on other people.

They have always done things in a certain manner, their parents and siblings have grown used to them and never told them that anything is annoying so they just keep acting the way they have always done. 

Most people don’t make video recordings of  themselves, or record their own voice, and train to change their voice, their body language or their demeanor. Most people don’t analyze their reactions or answers before they react. They just do what comes naturally.

They don’t realize people who grew up in different family settings or cultures may be annoyed or offended by their actions.  

In a dorm, your roommate is randomly assigned and his personality can be anywhere in the spectrum of human behaviors. Not everyone is engaging, caring, considerate, understanding. The personality range could go from the reclusive, shy, introvert, taciturn, to the extrovert, talkative, to the inconsiderate, invasive, to the egoistic, self-centered, or even to the extremist, bigot, xenophobic or sociopath.     

When cohabiting with someone, the areas that may cause annoyance or conflicts and need adjustments are most likely:

• Sleep and work schedules, habits.
• Noise, such as music, phone calls, TV, etc.
• Cleanliness, orderliness, messiness.
• Privacy.
• Personal taste, preferences (in music, TV shows, etc.).
• Odors, such as food, cooking, body odors.
• Expense splitting.
• Political, religious beliefs.
• Misconception, stereotype, prejudices, etc.

How to make the experience a pleasant or memorable one:

First of all, the roommates must understand that people are different, their behaviors depend on their personality, upbringing, social status, culture, etc. 

Some people may be open-minded, receptive to new ideas, to people from different cultures. Some people may be friendly, helpful.  Some may be unable to accept people from other races or other religions. Some may not like people who don’t do things like themselves. Some may have prejudices and stereotypes. Some may be outright racists, bigots. Some may have behavioral issues. Some have the desire to convert other people. Some may have desire to dominate, humiliate, harm other people. 

To get along, a roommate must not try to change the other to fit the behavior they (he/she) wish to see, but rather to keep an open mind and see things from different perspectives.

Secondly, the roommates should discuss the common issues with a presumption that the other party is not causing the annoyance on purpose, rather that they are not aware of the effects of their actions or behaviors on others, and through communication a mutual understanding can be found.

Approaching the other party while thinking that the other party is wrong and “must change or else” is certain to end up in conflict.

Hopefully, once the parties get to know each other, they can learn to respect, appreciate each other, maybe form bonds that last a lifetime. 

But if that does not work out, hopefully the parties can draw some benefits from sharing a room with someone with different perspective on life, different ideas, different skills. 

At the very least, hopefully they will not have to suffer the stress of having to share a space with someone they cannot stand to see everyday. 

Concretely:

Some people grow up going to bed early and rise early, some people are allowed to stay up late and to sleep late. You cannot change their habits. 

If it bothers you, because the light is on late, the curtains are opened early, your roommate is playing video game while you are trying to study, you can’t force them to change their habits. You should tell them that you and them have different habits and the differences cause you problems and let’s see what compromises you can work out together.

Similarly, some people need absolute silence to study, while others grow up studying while the music or the TV is playing. You should explain that the difference causes problems for you and how both parties should work out a compromise. Don’t judge the other’s habits as bad and don’t try to impose yours.   

Some people are told to clean their messes when they were children, some have parents who are messy. You should not tell people not to be messy because their messiness bothers you, but if the common space in the apartment is messy, you can discuss it with them about the ways to make it presentable, always keeping in mind that it is for the common good of both, not because you are judging that the other one’s messiness is an unacceptable behavior. 

Some people are raised to respect other people’s privacy, others not. When they invade your privacy, such as going through your files, using your belongings, barging into your room, you should tell them that it bothers you, without judgment on their upbringing.

Some odors and music are sweet to one’s nose or ears while being extremely annoying to others. Vietnamese fish sauce may remind Vietnamese of home- sweet- home, but its smell is extremely unpleasant to Western noses. Vietnamese songs may sound very melodious to Vietnamese, but to Western ears it’s just annoying singsongs. Rap music may be appealing to Western ears, but it may sound annoying to Vietnamese. The roommates must understand the personal tastes of each other and try to avoid or minimize situations that cause discomfort to the other. For example, Vietnamese should refrain from frying with fish sauce and leave the room permeated with the odor for days.  

Some people detest some dishes until they taste it, or detest some sounds until they understand the meaning. Chinese and Vietnamese music sound less singsong if one understands the lyrics. Hence an invitation to taste the dish or to learn the lyrics may turn a potential source of conflict into an enriching cultural exchange.  

Some people may be very religious, some people may try to convert you to their religion. You have to respect their faith and let them practice their faith, but you should tell them to respect your choice.

Some people are raised to be open- minded, others are raised by bigot, narrow-minded parents. Some people are raised to respect fair play, others are raised by parents to whom ethics don’t matter. If you have done your best and your roommate continues to be disrespectful, abusive, you must bring the issue up with the dorm management.